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WWF/E SmackDown! - July 25, 2002

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Before I begin, wish Chris Kanyon luck. The dude's in ICU but thankfully he's getting better.

Also, I'd like to introduce something new to my ramblings. You may have seen the Muta Blood scale in certain recappers reviews. Well, since I'm no writer and all - I'd like to incorporate the Michael Cole Stupidity Scale. Cole's and anyone else's stupidity will be based off the stupidest thing Cole has ever done at "1.0 Cole" - which is give away the result of the World Title match at WM15 before the PPV even started.

So on with the rambling.

Intro:

It's Stephanie Headroom opening us to the new era. WWE STEPHdown!!!! Eh - I dislike her a lot less now that she's a face.

Kurt Angle (w/ a cool camo singlet) vs. Mark Henry (who can lift stuff)

- Did Angle hurt his hand?
- This was watchable at least. Not much to comment on really.
- Brock with the Browser Refresh on Mark Henry = DAMN.
- You know if all this is overshadowing some eventual face turn for Angle I'm all for it. Especially if it gets Brock to bust out the amateur moves he's apparently known for.
- They should let Brock speak more often. Not that I mind the Heyman-isms but Paul should be sitting next to JR right now.

Stephanie hires Stacy. Well, we won't get Vince boinks Diva segments anymore. Thank God. Bischoff send flowers - I got one of your talent - Steph smashes flowers and shows "anger"... or something. Is she taking emoting classes from Lance or something?

Heaven (w/ Hell) vs. Pornography (w/ Hardcore)

- Translation if you couldn't figure it out: Rev. D-Von Dudley (w/ Batista) vs. Val Venis (w/ Hardcore Holly). Kawshen's Krazy Nicknames (© Stinko) again.

- Batista got himself a sign. Another sign: World Wildlife Entertainment. Damn those pandas.
- I still like D-Von's music. By the way, I know it's his gimmick but why does D-Von carry that paper to the ring? And he hasn't delivered many "messages" lately. I found his sermon on chicken choking quite funny. "Leave that THANG alone." Also. drop the collar, D-Von.
- Who were those 2 jokers with the JR signs? And what did they say?
- Pretty dull match here.
- Name check on Val's belly-to-back suplex -> powerbomb please.
- Of course, since Batista is a MONSTER he must beat up both Val and Holly. I think he needs a higher impact finisher. That spinebuster is too well... finesse-y.

Stacy tells guys not to let anyone out.

Awesome promo video for the Next Big King with Heyman narrating - but I'm STILL not sold on this guy yet. Not even Bill Goldberg got a World Title shot this quickly. He's gonna have to do more than roll his shoulder and neck muscles and F5ing fatasses for me to like him. Him talking more is a good start though.

To the Canadian Horseman celebrating their Tag Title win and dissing the US. I'd feel better about this gimmick if they talked about CANADA every once in a while. Serious Christian just doesn't work, IMO. That and the fact that someone jacked up his hair.

EDGE is stopped by Stephanie. He's not going anywhere. Gives a recording of the countdown to the end of the show to the production crew - which ultimately is pretty meaningless but oh, well.

Rikishi vs. Albert (who needs to put his clothes back on more than Kidman does)

- 1hr 32mins left.
- Meanwhile, Marc Loyd spots Kurt talking to Eric on the phone. Loyd automatically assumes it Bischoff. Loyd is such a lovable naive tool.
- Yep, Albert still "yaaaaah!"s.
- Cole: "Brock Lesnar is the heart of Raw." Wow. I would do the MC scale here but that's not HIS stupidity.
- The Banzai Drop is apparently the Rump Shaker now. Yeah.
- Rikishi's "Magic Dancin' Hat" appears on stage. Yay.

Steph leaves a message for Angle since he was talking to Eric. Is he leaving SD? IS HE???

Rey Mysterio Jr. - coming tonight. I know I can't wait.

The Canadian Horseman vs. The American Icons (© Stoneface)

- I LOVE that new Unified World Title. Now it looks like a World Heavyweight Title Belt.
- Seeing Stoneface with gold makes me happy. I wish the IC Title was on both shows b/c I could go for a RVD/Storm feud right now.
- Cole calls Christian's Inverted DDT the "Unprettier." Call that 0.5 or 0.6 Cole.
- Neat sequence: Rock trying to tag Hogan.Test drawing Hogan out of the corner while Rock almost gets there.
- Neat match here.
- I'll be damned - Hogan took the Browser Refresh. I guess they're not letting Lesnar or Rock touch each other until the match so it's MINDGAMES~!

1hr 2mins left. Brock and Heyman take Hogan's ride.
Meanwhile, John Cena calls Test a woodchuck which prompts Test to come in and give him the "Whitby Bitchslap of Ultimate Embarrassment" on Cena's ear - to which Cena reacts with a smile.

Chris Jericho is approached about leaving. He offers Steph a Fozzy CD, intends to beat Edge and doesn't answer Steph's question. Rey's up next with his creepy contacts.

(I beg of you guys not to bring your mask argument in here please. Thank you so much. )

Rey Misterio [Jr.] (w/ Awesome Awesome Entrance) vs. Chavo Guerrero [Jr.] (w/ Uncle Eddie's WCW Theme)

- No more Jr.'s? Oh, well.
- Rey's Entrance = AWESOME. Rey seems to have added another 20 pounds of muscle to his frame there. From the looks of things, Rey is mixing Lucha Rey and Filthy Animal Rey here with those pants. And what is with these guys and these back tatoos???
- Anyhow, we all knew Chavo was jobbing from the get-go so let's enjoy the match these 2 produce.
- Cole, at least say Mil Mascaras' name PROPERLY. Geez.
- Tazz: "Misterio's loaded with Speed!" Hm.
- "Let's Go Rey Rey!" AWESOME.
- Chavo's GoryBomb was pretty cool looking.
- Rey's 619 (Swing kick through the rope) = SICK.
- Great, great match. Jamie Noble is holding Rey's belt.

Rey bumps into Test and gets thrown into a garage door. Well, that gives him the excuse for later on. Meanwhile, Cole has a coronary b/c Test is just a big bully. Wah.

Brew's Bunny vs. Sting Jr. (in BLUE)

- You know... I like Test. Maybe not as much as Brew... but I like him. But why does he, a 6'7" 280lb guy, sell like he's having an epileptic seizure all the time?
- "Woodchuck" Chant. HA! I hope that catches on but Test will always be a Wascally Canadian Wabbit to me.
- Cena rollthrough pin looked quite.... interesting considering where his head was.
- Test gives the Whitby Boot to Cena afterwards and shows off his buck teeth.
- If I'm lucky enough to be able to go to Survivor Series (which is here in NY) - I'm bringing a "Test fears BrewGuy" sign.
- 31mins left.

Steph leaves another message for Kurt.

CAGE: EDGE vs. The King of the World

- I'm not down with having this cage match already b/c I'd like to see Edge and Jericho have a match at Summerslam and usually cage matches END feuds.
- Sign(s): "Edge-a-mania". I can only hope. I still think Edge needs a new Titantron video instead of that throwback from '98 he has.
- Jericho comes down pointing out he injured Edge's shoulder. And then the logical maneuver by the WWF/E production crew... COMMERCIAL BREAK. That's a 0.7-0.8 Cole easy.
- An "Edge" chant. Mediocre or not, the man's over.
- Cole: "That steel will rip flesh!!!" 0.3 Cole.
- Edge blades again and it's not even HALF as good as the one he did in the Angle match.
- "Come on, BABY!" I love that pin but he needs to do it slower like he did in WCW.
- "Come on Edge! I'm the King of the World! Do you understand me?!" *slap* Jericho rules.
- Jericho hits the Flashback (Sleeper Drop). Cole: "WOW!" Sigh.
- Edge hits the Edge-o-matic. Cole: "WOW!" Sigh again.
- Inverted sitout superplex by Edge = COOL.
- Chairshot. Cole: "Jericho is going to win the DAMN match with the DAMN chair."
- Top-rope bulldog by Jericho = AWESOME.
- Electric Chair by Edge. Cole: "What the hell was that???" Sigh x 3. Thankfully Tazz (as usual) called the move.
- Edge is folded up and Jericho twitches a couple times.
- WHY is Tazz cheering on Edge???
- Edge wins and slides about 30 feet in the process.
- Well, here are the Canadian Horsemen to jump Edge and toss him back in the cage. Jericho joins in but sadly, he's not in this group. Good. Stoneface should be the leader anyway.
- In comes Cena and he's gets beaten up.
- Here's REY (?!?!) with an insane crossbody off the top of the cage to Storm and Christian and a huracanrana to Test (?!?!?!). Da-yamn.
- Meanwhile Jericho escapes.

Stephanie watching with Billy Kidman - who happens to have his clothes on this time. Stacy alerts her of Eric who has someone in the limo with him. (My guess is probably Hogan or Brock - I dunno really). She thinks it Angle but Angle magically appears behind her telling her he was talking to his brother, Eric. is Eric Angle still in OVW?

Show ends as we try to figure out who Bischoff stole this time.

Great, great show this week, I must say. From the looks of things, I guess next week's main will likely be the Canadian Horsemen vs. Edge, Cena and Rey. And I guess Brock will have a squa... er, match next week.

So, there you go.